There are times in my life when I feel very brave and big. Today is not one of those days, though I have in actually made some very adult decisions and acted in very adult ways recently. It’s hard being an adult sometimes…okay right now I feel like it’s hard most of the time.

The last few months have been a kind of roller coaster. I have provision for my basic financial and living needs, a job I love and wonderful, amazing people in my life. I am blessed beyond belief! But the road is uphill and narrow. I have made hard decisions and choices not to do things that I wanted to do because I knew they were poor choices and would hurt myself and others. My life is SO not where I wanted it to be by the time I was 32. I struggle with worrying about the future–how things will “pan out” for me financially once my schools loans are out of deferment and what am I going to do about benefits and rebuilding my savings and…oh the list goes on.

Then there are my core pathologies:

I hate making mistakes, I am afraid of failure and I want everyone to be happy with me and like me. But here’s the thing: The reality of life is that everyone makes mistakes, one of the best indicators of success is how well a person handles failure and no one can “make” everyone happy (we simply don’t have that kind of power–no one can really control what others think and do, at least not without the other person’s permission). So, now what?

I have to make hard decisions: A decision to keep going after I make a mistake and not feel like it’s the end of the world and that I am completely incompetent. Decisions that may not please others or that they might choose to take offense over, but that are the right decisions for me and the situations. Oh, and then there is the ever-looming decision to get over the failures of my past and even some more recent ones. I’ve often said I need hiking boots to get to the top of my failures and broken dreams. That might be true, I don’t really know, but what I do know is that I have the wisdom of those experience beneath me–the mountain holding me up–and the view is fantastic from up here.

So, “vorwarts?”

The amazing thing is that, though I feel very small and weak, I have an enormous amount of drive to move forward and that is in large part due to God’s encouragement and the cheerleaders urging me on. I have a slough of people involved in my life who want to see me succeed and are standing with me. I can actually feel their love and support–they are part of that drive and the the next handhold I reach for.

There is one other thing that moves me along and is helping me not shatter into a million little pieces. It’s best summarized in this prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace. Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that You will make all thing right if I surrender to your will. So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with you forever in the next. Amen” Even now a friend is encouraging me in this, and it’s just what I need–perfect for today and this moment. So, yes, I am small, but that is okay when you’re the daughter of a very big king. Onward…

Advertisements